Open Mike at the Boar's Nest
by H.G. Stewart
Summary: ONE SHOT. There's always somethin' to do in Hazzard County, even when there ain't nothin' goin' on!


_**It was an unusual day in Hazzard County. Now if you hear the word 'unusual' and automatically assume that there isn't any car chases, the Duke boys aren't in jail, and the mortgage payment's in on time, then you're right. As a matter of fact, it was so unusual that they actually had to think somethin' up to put a little excitement in their day. And if you're lookin' for excitement, there's one lil' ole' gal in Hazzard County that you can always count on. And that gal is Miss Daisy Duke.**_

"Okay ya'll." Daisy spoke into the microphone as she faced a crowd of good ole' boys and girls at Hazzard's local dive, the Boar's Nest. "As the beer pitcher's bein' passed around, make sure your name gets put in it. We're gonna have a lot of fun here tonight and I don't want nobody to git left out!"

As the pitcher came near their table, Bo and Cooter eagerly dropped their names inside. Although Luke sat questioningly with his arms folded, he eventually dropped his inside too. Jesse simply looked at the waiting pitcher making no effort to contribute a paper of his own.. As he turned toward Bo, Cooter picked Jesse's red hat up off his head quick as lightning and plucked out the paper the Duke patriarch had hidden underneath. Throwing the paper in the pitcher, Cooter quickly passed it to the next table as Jesse commenced to taking off that red hat once again and using it to hit Cooter's arm, receiving a flurry of chuckles from his nephews in response.

Eventually, the pitcher made it up to Daisy, who handed it off to Enos. She then picked up another pitcher that also held a number of paper slips as well. "Okay everybody, the rules of the game are pretty simple. Enos here is gonna be in charge of drawing the names out. If your name is called, simply come up and take your place behind the mike. Okay Enos, go ahead."

A smiling Enos took out the first name and read it. "Our first participant will be……….Sandra Clemmons."

A pretty lady with medium length, feathered red hair, rose from the crowd and took her place on the makeshift stage. As everyone whooped and hollered, she offered them some comical curtsies and waves.

"Okay, now that Sandra's up here, she will draw a paper out of the pitcher I'm holding here.." Daisy explained. "And whatever is on this paper, Sandra will have to do."

Laughing as oooohhh's went through the audience, Sandra drew out her paper. "Okay Sandra, what does it say?"

Sandra's eyes widened as she looked at the paper. "This says I'm supposed to perform a lap dance?"

The revelation brought about cheers from the men of the audience, some even standing up to clap.

Daisy laughed. "You ain't gotta audition for a strip club honey, but if you can't do it, I understand."

Sandra smiled slyly. "Who says I can't? Hit it, Rosco!"

Rosco jumped a bit at hearing his name, but quickly turned his attention to the jukebox behind him. As Boss puffed on his cigar, he turned with the sheriff to select just the right song. Pushing the appropriate button, they turned back toward the stage.

As the music began playing, Sandra began to snake her hands under her hair, flipping it out teasingly. As all the guys whistled and cheered, she twirled and kicked a bit before making her way out to the audience. Although she ran her hand under a few chins, she eventually ended up directly in front of the Duke table. Wiggling and twirling a bit more, she sat down in Bo's lap where she ran her fingers through his hair before planting a seductive kiss on his lips.

After the kiss, she got up and went back up on stage where she once again waved to a cheering audience.

"WOO HOO!" Bo exclaimed, slapping his hands together as he laughed. "I think this night's gonna turn out to be more fun than I thought!"

As Sandra took her seat, Enos drew out another name. "The next participant will be……..Bo Duke!"

As Bo rose from his seat, he received a few excited back slaps from Cooter. He paused to offer his cousin a goofy grin before walking up on stage.

"Okay Bo." Daisy began, shaking the pitcher. "Time for you to draw."

Bo reached down and took a paper. Unfolding it, he smiled a bit. "This says I'm supposed to tell a funny story about someone in the audience."

Luke rolled his eyes. With the mood Bo was in tonight, there was no telling what story he could come up with, but he knew who the victim would most likely be.

"Well as most of ya'll know, Luke there's a pretty deep thinker. Now I admit it's useful most of the time, but sometimes it can be just too much. Like the time he and I went boar huntin'." Bo grinned as he noted Luke's folded arms. "Well it was gettin' pretty late in the day and we decided we'd camp out. So we had this old tent that we took along for just such occasions. Anyway, once we set it up, we went on to sleep. Later that night, somethin' woke me up. Well I laid there a minute before I finally woke Luke up too. 'Hey Luke' I said. 'Look up. What do you see?' Well Luke was tired but he decided to humor me anyway, so he says 'stars Bo'. Well I had to press a little further, so I said 'Well what does that mean?' Well, Luke groans like he usually does when he first wakes up, and then he says, 'Well, if you look at it by way of science, it says we have an endless universe. If you're a gypsy lady, it means Saturn is in Leo or Jupiter is in Virgo or somethin' like that. Because I believe in God, it means I am small compared to him, and if you're lookin' at it timewise, it means it's 3 a.m., which is way to early to be discussing this stuff."

Well despite the situation, I couldn't help but to bust out laughing. So ole' Luke gets mad again and turns back over to ask what's so funny. So I said 'As interestin' as all that was, It simply means that someone stole our tent!"

As the room burst out in laughter, Cooter gave Luke some friendly jabs as Bo rejoined them. Daisy let out a few giggles. "Ain't this fun?" She asked as she motioned for Enos to draw the next name.

Enos looked at the name and let out a small laugh. "Well ain't this funny….the next participant will be Luke Duke!"

Luke gave Bo a sly grin as he approached the stage. Going up to Daisy, he drew a slip of paper from her pitcher. He looked at it a moment and shrugged his shoulders. "This paper says 'Bury the hatchet, buy a beer for your worst enemy'."

Daisy laughed, "Well that seems simple enough, that is, if you can figure out who that enemy is."

"Oh I got a few people in mind." Luke replied, eyeing Boss and Rosco especially. "But after hearin' Bo's story, I think he could use a little forgiveness."

Pulling some bills out of his wallet, he went over to Jim the bartender and exchanged them for an ice cold mug. His friends then watched as he walked across the room with Bo's drink. "Bo." He began. "I just want you to know I can get past you making me the butt of your joke up there. And I know, in exchange, you can get past this."

With that, he turned the drink upside down over Bo's head. Bo's mouth opened in surprise as the cold liquid seeped through his hair and beneath the fabric of his yellow shirt.

As the crowd cheered, Luke offered them a grand bow before he slammed the mug onto the table and took his seat once again, really enjoying himself for the first time that evening.

Then it was time for the next name. "The next participant will be……Cletus Hogg!"

As the crowd clapped, the deputy jumped up on stage. Daisy handed him the pitcher and he drew out a paper. "Accordin' to this, I'm supposed to pick the lucky recipient of the t-shirt donated by Clarence Hodges of the ridgerunners association."

"Oh I's wonderin' when we were gonna get to that." Daisy commented, picking up an enormous white t-shirt from a barstool nearby. "Now remember, if Cletus picks you, you'll have to model the shirt up here for everybody!" She told the crowd.

"Gosh, who can I pick?" Cletus wondered, eyeing numerous ex-moonshiners in the audience. Finally, he shrugged his shoulders. "Buzzards on a buzzsaw, Daisy, I don't know of anyone more deservin' of a prize than your own Uncle Jesse!"

Jesse didn't frown too much. He hadn't been all that enthusiastic about participating in the events of the night, but he figured there were worse things he could have to do other than wear a t-shirt. Going up on stage, he took the shirt and Daisy turned him with his back facing the crowd as he put it on over the top of his overalls.

"I ain't showin' nobody this shirt!" Jesse growled when he got a good look at it.

Daisy laughed. "Now Uncle Jesse, everbody's gonna call you a spoiled sport if ya don't participate!"

"There's a difference between bein' a spoiled sport and tha laughin' stock of tha community!" Jesse exclaimed.

"Aw, just turn around Jesse! It's all in good fun!"

Reluctantly, Jesse turned around. The crowd erupted in laughter when they saw the front of his shirt, which read 'Shiners Do It Under The Moon'.

Next it was Emery Potter's turn. The rather thin man who struck everyone as nervous most of the time, found that he was supposed to sing a song. He surprised the crowd when he picked a banjo and sung the lyrics to 'Hey Maw', which was a humorous song that described a father and son's desperate search for their wife/mother, with the end revealing that she had been locked in the outhouse the whole time.

When Rosco's turn came up next, some considered it the best person, while others considered it the worst, to find out that he was supposed to impersonate Boss Hogg. Going up to the commissioner, he took his hat off his head and his cigar out of his mouth before Boss had a chance to protest.

As the crowd giggled, Rosco went to the front of the mike and placed the white hat on his head. Holding the cigar, he pointed to Ray Newberry, who sat at one of the tables in the front. "Say there, Mr. Newberry." He began, trying to talk like Boss and wrinkling his nose up slightly. "I heard ya put that farm of yours up fer sale. 'Bout time you sold that old ramshackle place anyway. Tell ya what, I'm willin' to make you a very generous offer. Whatever it was you paid fer it, I'll give you 10 cents on the dollar!"

"Ten cents!" Ray laughed, playing along. "Why that farms worth more than double the amount of money I paid fer it."

"Well I reckon it could be, if'n your family bought that place before the war between tha states. That would be about the only way that place could be worth double the amount, if you ask me. Looks like the whole thang should be condemned."

"Well that's your opinion, Boss. I ain't sellin' that place for the amount of money you're offerin'!"

"Well why not?" Rosco asked.

"Cause if I did, we wouldn't have a chicken farm around here. And if we didn't have a chicken farm, you wouldn't have nowhere to buy them specially seasoned chicken livers you like so well!"

"You mean it could affect my refrigerator? Then there's no contest. You keep that farm!" Rosco exclaimed, puffing on the cigar and letting out a flurry of tear-forming coughs right after, the crowd roaring as some pondered Rosco's impersonation while others noted a rather annoyed looking Boss.

As the evening wore on, there were a lot of other things happening. Cooter found himself on a broom as he was made to demonstrate what a full ride on a bucking bull would look like, Boss had to walk around the room holding a serving tray with a pyramids of beer mugs on it, and Enos found himself having to spend 5 minutes alone in a closet with Daisy. By the time he came out, the poor fella had hives all over himself.

As darkenss began to fall over the sky, the party broke up. The group was laughing about the nights events when they all walked outside together. Once they got there they all stopped short when they saw a big truck drive away loaded down with wheels.

Now a sight such as that wouldn't be very unusual, except that the wheels that was on the back of that truck was the very ones that belonged on all of their cars.

Bo put his hand on his hip and smirked. "I shoulda known things were a little too normal around here. Now we gotta track down some parts thieves!"

Luke shook his head. "We all had fun here tonite, but it wasn't normal." He commented, motioning toward the departing truck. "THAT's what's normal!"

**_Uh, ya'll remember what I said back at tha beginnin' of tha story?_**

THE END

(A/N I never had any plans to write this little bit of Duke fluff. The idea came up when I was pondering ideas for a social I am going to be in charge of in June. The 'game' is high on my list of 'maybe's' for social activities.

The song that Emery sings, "Hey Maw" really does exist, but I can't find the lyrics anywhere online. It is sung by some friends every Halloween when we gather on hay bales around the fire and they pick their guitar and banjo. I will tweak this story with the actual song if I can talk one of them into writing down the lyrics for me. Hope you enjoyed!)


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